


Misunderstanding Codes

by Merfilly



Series: Padawan Plight [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Baggage, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 18:09:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8543713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merfilly/pseuds/Merfilly
Summary: Barriss doesn't have the healthiest concept of true friendship and the Jedi Code. It gets a little painful in the healing quarters for her and Ahsoka.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I debated scrapping the series at this point, to be honest. But I think I am digging into what I think might have laid the underlying motivation for Barriss and the bombing. Because I don't think she has a healthy connection with her own emotions. I understand perfectly if this is not other's cups of tea... but I have to keep exploring the concepts.

Barriss Offee wasn't certain what to do with Ahsoka's physicality or her suggestion. But while the suggestion to open up to her master made her feel threatened, unsafe, the closeness of her friend brought an odd sense of peace to her. She almost relaxed into that, before she recalled that letting someone so close, giving into such feelings, were on the road that led to forbidden attachments.

She stood up abruptly, carefully not looking down at Ahsoka's face, not wanting to see the disappointment or hurt the … the … the child, yes, child would be showing on her features.

"I believe, as this exercise didn't actually get us anywhere, we should move on to something else for the morning," Barriss said in a neutral voice. 

"Master Che mentioned a garden. Perhaps we could go there, and see if anything needs to be done," Ahsoka said. Barriss found herself both amazed that there was no hurt in the tone… and disappointed, possibly wounded, herself. She though Ahsoka cared.

She cut that off. The whole point of moving away from her was to nip those feelings off now, before they became an issue.

"That is a good idea. I had no idea you liked gardening," Barriss said, before scolding herself. It didn't matter what Ahsoka liked, did it? It couldn't.

"I sometimes helped Master Yoda in his garden when I was very young," Ahsoka said. "After I got in trouble for sneaking out of the creche to go watch Initiates practicing with their lightsabers," she added.

"Was all of your getting in trouble in the pursuit of learning more?" Barriss asked, curious even as she led the way to the door.

"Not all of it? Sometimes I was just bored and testing my limits," Ahsoka admitted. She didn't bother with shoes, making Barriss frown, but she wasn't supposed to be coaching Ahsoka on propriety so much as making sure she was healed from the trials she had faced do far. 

"Yet you fear being put out of the Order," Barriss said, confused by that willful testing of the Order.

"I never said I was the smartest Togruta," Ahsoka responded with a laugh. They went together to the garden, where Ahsoka lit up in delight at the fragrant and diverse collection of plants. Barriss had to smile, even as she began to catalogue the plants, impressed at the representation from around the galaxy present here.

Barriss played over their interactions in her mind, even as they both began checking the plants for their needs. Barriss would sneak glances over at her young friend, seeing the gentle care she used in trimming a plant that had been allowed to go too long for its small space, or as she was placing nutrient pills carefully into the soil for some other plant.

Barriss had seen those hands wield dual lightsabers with deadly accuracy, never slowing when the battle called for it. She had seen the girl hold her ground and speak her mind to her Master with a will to making herself heard. Yet here she was, using infinite care and tender touches to tend life forms that were mostly ornamental, of no real purpose, as if it was just as important as the battles she waged.

Could violence and nurturing truly coexist so easily?

Barriss's eyes closed briefly as she considered that idea, before resuming her own care of the garden.

+++

Ahsoka was taking a nap, curled up on a pillow in the sunlight by the large window, when Barriss heard a whimper. She looked over, saw the tip of the shorter, central lek twitching madly, and tried not to be intrusive. She continued studying a treatise on the application of Jedi healing techniques to trauma victims, before a low whistling sound drew her eyes back to Ahsoka. 

It was one thing to see her curled up in a comfortable loth-cat position. The posture this time was far more defensive, with Ahsoka having rolled over to get her back to the wall, and the front pair of lekku were both lashing at the tips. The whistle was repeated, and Barriss decided that this had to be a nightmare. She set her data pad down, and went over to just outside easy striking range.

"Ahsoka… Ahsoka, wake up."

The Togruta curled tighter, rather than lash out, eyes opening and focusing intently on Barriss's spot. After a very long moment, she unknotted herself to sit up, arms going around her knees. 

"Sorry."

The voice was so small, and Barriss could all but taste the fear in the air, despite Ahsoka and herself both being fairly well shielded. Uncertain what to do to help, knowing she had to, Barriss mimicked Ahsoka from the evening before. She sat beside her on the same pillow, arm going around the slim shoulders awkwardly. Ahsoka tensed for a moment, then settled in tight against the older girl's ribs.

"You do not need to apologize, Ahsoka. Nightmares are common in all dreaming, sentient creatures," Barriss pointed out.

That got a small, dry chuckle. "You sound so clinical," Ahsoka explained to her, looking up as she did. "I don't like being a bother. And I know you've been trying to study. I should have gone to my room."

"You wanted the sun, and there is no window in your room," Barriss said logically. "And I will have plenty of time to study. We are here for at least a full ten-day. My goal, remember, is to help you, per Master Che's own instructions."

"Don't want to be difficult for you, as I really do feel perfectly fine," Ahsoka said.

"While nightmares are perfectly normal, and you do have reason enough, given the war, they still can be a sign of underlying, unresolved issues," Barriss told her. "Do you wish to tell me about it?"

Ahsoka shook her head fiercely. "I can't really make out all the details," she said, and Barriss looked down in shock, as the lie rippled in the Force.

"I thought we were helping each other?" Barriss asked, making Ahsoka wince.

"We are… okay, so yes, I can remember. But talking about it… I'm not really supposed to, because they're not really nightmares," Ahsoka said softly. "I see futures, always the worst ways it could go, never anything nice," she admitted. 

"I didn't think the Seers could penetrate the Dark Side right now?" Barriss asked, confused. "And why can't you talk about it?"

"Because of that, I guess? Because they have to be false visions. Togruta seers often mistake their visions for a solid future with no room for change, often with violent outcomes." Ahsoka had been told that many times in the creche, and later. "Better to just ignore them, and do my best in the present."

"That makes little sense to me, Ahsoka," Barriss told her. "If it is a part of you, it is of the Force."

"Apparently a Togruta really kriffed up a vision in the past," Ahsoka said, making Barriss's eyes go wide at the profanity. "I am sorry I disturbed you."

"Why do you apologize to me so much?" Barriss asked rather than call the younger girl on her shocking language skills.

"I like you. I don't want you to not like me," Ahsoka said, her eyes downcast, lekku going perfectly still. "I'm fast and I don't manage to think before I talk all the time, and sometimes I get really dumb about things. I just want a real friend, even if you are older than me, because I don't think I can make it through the death and dying without having some reminder that there are connections that make us stronger."

The Mirialan felt her entire world shake, the view of life as a Jedi rocking back to its core in her mind. This gifted, strong padawan wanted to connect to her, to help shield against the horror they lived in? Barriss tried to reconcile that against the fact that Jedi were forbidden from attachment, with the training bond one of the few exceptions. It was not the way she understood anything and was pushed to defend herself.

"You are better than this, Ahsoka!" Barriss suddenly snapped, standing to move away from her, from the temptation to abandon her Jedi Code. "You don't need that kind of anchor, and you should not seek such. Attachment is forbidden! You can be the strongest Jedi to ever live, and yet you fall into this wrongness?"

Ahsoka was staring at her now, eyes wide, stricken by the rejection. Barriss looked at her once… then strode quickly out of the room, incapable of bearing either of their pains.

+++

Barriss was sitting on the edge of her bed, head in hands when the door opened, not ten minutes after she'd left. She couldn't bring herself to fight the invasion of privacy, but she also couldn't look either.

"You're wrong, Barriss. But so am I, I guess," Ahsoka said in a soft voice. "Deep friendship may be Attachment in your mind, but our Masters show it regularly. It is not what the Code is warning against. No being is capable of going through life without at least some emotional connection to others. Even droids make friendships.

"But you are right about what I want. It probably is the wrong kind of Attachment, because I'm seeking anchor points in people, rather than duty, to save my sanity from this war that keeps killing people for no good reason. I'm sorry I made you upset, and I am more sorry that you feel our friendship violates the Code. I won't bother you like this again, I promise. I do learn, you see, even if I can't always control myself the way you do."

Ahsoka stood there, and Barriss heard her breathing, making the Mirialan wish she knew what to say. The pattern of breath was ragged, like there had been weeping before Ahsoka came in. She started to raise her head… but Ahsoka was already leaving by the time Barriss looked.

Barriss didn't call out to her.

+++

Vokara Che looked at Barriss Offee with a quiet analytical gaze, trying to determine the best course on how to handle this. Her plan to bring the pair to her demesnes, to give them a chance to stabilize, seemed to be backfiring. She knew her friend, Luminara, was very hopeful for results, but the introverted padawan had baseline issues that Vokara was not certain she knew how to address.

Her thought that Ahsoka Tano, often seen as a force of nature, would be enough to guide her out of the trauma, was proving wrong, despite Luminara's assurance that the pair had seemed to forge a friendship during their shared missions.

"Barriss," she began softly. "You know that I find your skills in healing to be truly gifted, and you make excellent marks in all subjects," she praised, watching as the body language betrayed nothing. How was she supposed to heal the child's soul, when she could not even find the indicators to fully diagnose the illness there? "You have not done anything wrong. I erred, in considering how to help both of you, given the traumatic experiences you shared," Vokara said. "I will have Ahsoka moved—"

"NO!"

The word exploded from Barriss, before she knotted her fingers together, looking down at them in her lap.

"No? But I thought you said you could not aid her?" The Twi'lek reached out, breaking the Jedi habit of not touching in order to tip the young woman's chin up. Barriss looked at her with troubled eyes, and Vokara held out hope that she might be finding a point to finally mature from in her emotions.

"Master? Is it wrong to seek deep friendship?"

"Force, no! Barriss, how did you come to such an idea? Have you not seen the warmth between Krieth and I? Or observed the small groups in the cafeteria, that laugh and share so much together?"

"I thought they were laughing at someone's misfortune," Barriss admitted, and Vokara heard the unspoken 'me' in those words. 

When were the other masters going to root out the arrogance and bullying that existed in the creche and Initiate barracks, the healer wished to know quite firmly. She took a deep breath. "True friendship is not a violation of the Code, my student."

"Then… I may be able to aid her, if she forgives me for my error," Barriss said, choosing the path she ached for, and had thought so wrong.

"I am sure she will, Barriss. She is a very emotive young one, driven to help with such fervor that I almost wish she had an aptitude for healing.

"Almost, because I am not certain I will ever be equipped to handle that much energy!"


End file.
